Misery Loves Company…
Here we go again! Welcome back besties :)
Currently Reading:The Obelisk Gate (Broken Earth Series #2) By NK Jemisin
Currently Watching:Nashville (10/10 if anyone has seen it and wants to chat HMU)
Current Obsessions: Solo gym time, Hazy IPAs, restaurants with patio seating, warm weather (if you have a pool in LA and want to hang PLEASE give me a call)
Now for the good stuff. Let’s chat!
You know when you’re a little kid, and something happens that breaks your little kid heart, and everyone stops and comforts you because the whole world wants to take care of you? No one expects you to be strong for the adults around you, because that wouldn’t be fair. Well, then you become the adults, and suddenly you have to learn how to balance your own pain and struggles with those of the people you care about.
Empathy is a beautiful thing. It allows you to truly feel for the people around you, and it allows you to love deeply. It also allows you to ache for those people. The more friends and family I’ve talked to this past week, the more clear it has become that this year has been a doozy for us all. Not to say that it hasn’t included great moments, but overall it seems that most of the people I love, myself included, are feeling a heavy burden in one way or another. What has been on my mind constantly is figuring out how to be there for them in the way that they need me to be, rather than the way I think I should be (this is an important distinction, I’m learning). I am also figuring out how to do that while carrying my own burdens. Well, one thing I know to be true is that every difficult season comes with lessons to be learned, so as I reflect on this one I thought I’d share some of those lessons with you today.
Ask what people need. While obviously you know exactly how everyone wants to be comforted and what will make them feel better and what they need better than anyone else, I have found that people tend to be honest when communicating what they want from you when prompted. So before you break your back trying to anticipate the needs of everyone around you, ask them. More importantly, trust them when they tell you. This doesn’t mean you can’t surprise someone! Get them flowers, make a small gesture to let them know your heart is with them, but if they communicate what they want from you, trust them on that. Trust that it has nothing to do with you. If this is hard for you, maybe reflect on the motivations behind your actions. Are you truly trying to make them feel better, or yourself?
If you have the strength to carry them, do it. If you don’t, be honest about it. Just because someone is struggling doesn’t mean they don’t want to hear about your feelings. They love you just as you love them, and while it may feel selfish to talk to them about whatever is going on with you, it might actually be the best thing.
People say “Misery loves company,” and I think it is always meant to sound sad. It sounds tragic, or manipulative, or angry – but I think there is a world in which it is beautiful.
Sometimes, you want so badly to be there for the people that you love. You want to be the strong shoulder that all of your loved ones can lean on – but that’s a whole lot harder than it sounds, and it sounds pretty dang hard. I think part of growing up is accepting that sometimes you don’t always have the strength you think you need in the moment, but that does not mean you’re not strong.
As you all know, I’ve been watching Nashville (it is fantastic – if you’d like a full review LMK!). I just watched an episode featuring a song called “Shotgun.” The lyrics were beautiful, and especially the lyric stating “Love is taking turns riding shotgun.” I think that’s fair. A huge part of love is being strong for your person when they feel weak. However, that’s not always the story. Sure, it’s nice if one of you is in a great place, and they have the strength and the ability to be that shoulder. However, life isn’t always pretty, and it’s certainly not always convenient. While it would be great if it always worked out so that when one person is struggling, the other is ready and willing to take that on, but that’s simply not life. Life is, more often than not, messy. That means that sometimes, a lot of the time, the people you love are struggling at the exact same time that you are. In fact, I think there is a kind of beauty in suffering together. Sure, it feels good and empowering to be the one that can rush to the rescue, but sitting in pain alongside another person, that’s where true vulnerability lies. Love can certainly be taking the wheel, but it can also be lying in the ditch next to each other. So, don’t ever be ashamed for not being strong enough. Sometimes, just sitting in the same place as someone else is enough. There’s love there, in that place.
Then, when life eases up and you’re both ready to crawl out and thrive again, you get to do that together too. And you’ll be stronger for it.
I love you, I’m here for you, and I’ll talk to ya next week :)
xoxo
