WTF is a spark? When did I lose it? And how I plan on getting it back!!

Happy Friday, Besties!!! Let’s chat!

Currently Reading: The Obelisk Gate (Broken Earth Series #2) By NK Jemisin

Just Finished: How to Write Fantasy and Science Fiction By Orson Scott Card

8/10 — If you are thinking of writing anything in the field of Fantasy or SF, this is a great resource!! He gives great advice on both the process of writing AND the business of getting published! I will say it is geared a little bit more toward SF than Fantasy, which makes sense considering Card is more of an SF writer, but still a lot of great info for either genre!

Currently Watching: Love is Blind (if anyone wants to chat about this season, PLEASE hit me up. I have THOUGHTS)

Current Obsessions: Lantern lights, redecorating, candles, warm weather (thank you Southern California), overcaffeinating

I’m sure we’ve all seen the videos of those girls with the tagline, “Watch me get my spark back,” and the photos that follow are a slow progression of what ends up looking like completely different people. At the beginning it is someone who can only be described as gray. Still stunning, still beautiful, just… muted. But by the end we see color, vibrance, a smile that surely must light up every room it enters. I love the trend, I do, but in all honesty… wtf does it mean. What is a spark? How do you know if you’ve lost it? And if you think maybe you have, how the heck do you get it back? 

There's a little girl that comes into the coffee shop I work at almost every day with her dad. Let me tell you, this girl is a firecracker. I have never seen her with anything but a smile on her face. She looks at everything with wonder and love and excitement and joy. She finds particular joy in trying to scare me as I make her parents’ drinks, and I find joy in pretending that she is the scariest little girl I have ever encountered. When I think of a spark, I think of her. I’m sure she still has bad days. I’m sure, even at the ripe age of five years old, she still has days when the world feels heavy. But somehow, her joy outweighs all of it. That is the spark that I want more than anything.

All of that being said, yesterday I felt a little bit more sparkly than I have of late, so for today's post I decided I would walk through everything I did yesterday that made that spark a little brighter, and commit to doing those things for myself more consistently. 

I journalled. 

Okay, I know every social media influencer, podcaster, and life guru speaks on the greatness of journalling, and I truly never thought I’d be the person to add to this conversation, but here I am. For my birthday, I was given a gratitude journal as a tool to help with my anxiety. This particular journal has entry space for both morning and night. I have not been as consistent as I probably should be with it, but yesterday I made sure it was the first thing I did when I woke up, and the last thing I did when I went to bed. It gave me the opportunity to set up my day with hope, priorities, and thankfulness, and to end my day in reflection, acceptance, and excitement to wake up to a new day. 

I went to the gym. 

Okay wellness queen!! I have been falling off my gym grind of late and it is NOTICEABLE. Please understand I’m not talking about my body when I say this. Honestly I highly doubt anyone notices the slight dip in my muscle mass in the three months that I have been slacking. And if they do, they’re weird. However, I notice it in how I feel. Many days I feel weak, unmotivated, and paralyzed by my own mind, and the more I skip out on the gym, the more daunting these feelings become. So I went to the gym and I let myself feel strong for an hour, and let me tell you that feeling has persisted. 

 I spent time with people who have more grace for me than I have for myself. 

Fine, I’ll say it. I have a little problem with being extremely hard on myself. Earlier this week, I spoke to a couple of people in my life whose opinions are very important to me, and they each, separately, were asking what was making me so anxious. The gist of it was that I don’t feel like I am currently the person that I want to be. Whenever I make a mistake, or fall into temptation, or do anything that inspires some sort of feeling of shame inside of me, however big or small, I get extremely introspective about the person that I would like to be. The person that I would be proud to be. When I feel I fall short of that, therein starts the spiral. The first person I spoke to about this made an excellent point, saying that a single regret or mistake does not decide my character. Everyone does things that are out of character for them. The second person told me, simply, that she thinks I’m a great person. Wow. Anyways, the gist of this one is when my roommate invited me to the market yesterday, I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t talk myself out of it. I said yes before I could think any more about it, and thank God I did. Because even just an hour of spending time with people who think that I’m great, reminded me that I need to give myself a little more grace in life. I need to think of myself the way my loved ones think of me. And when I did,  it felt damn good. 

I talked to my mom.

I want to preface this one with the fact that I am very blessed in this life to have a great relationship with my parents. If that is not true for you, for whatever reason, replace this advice with anyone who holds that place in your own heart. Whenever I am going through a period in my life when I am feeling ashamed, or disappointed in myself, I tend to isolate myself from my parents. This makes sense to me. I want to make my parents proud! Of course I want to always show up as my best self, my most successful self, the self that has good and exciting news about my many successes, whenever I speak to them. What I need to realize in these moments is that my parents not only love me (that was never in question), but are proud of me in every phase of my life. Isolating myself from that love only makes my brain worse. Talking to my mom brought me so much childlike joy; it also reminded me that there are always people in my corner. Call your mom, call your dad, call your person – I promise it will light a little spark in you. (PS I also called my dad the day previously, and this had the same effect; love you mom, love you dad :)) 

Finally, I got excited for my alone time. 

When my spark feels dim, alone time can feel daunting. Being alone with the thoughts that I don’t exactly want to sit with can be really scary. I tend to fall into a perspective that my alone time is basically just me biding my time until my next plan or obligation. However, yesterday I decided to be really intentional with my time alone. Instead of thinking, “oh God, I have to figure out what to do, I have to sit with myself, I have to fill in the blank here…” I shifted my mindset into “Thank God, I have all this alone time to do all of the things I’ve been wanting/needing to do!” I did laundry (or at least tried… rip my laundry machine), I applied to jobs that I was excited about, I talked to people that I have been neglecting, I planned out this blog, I worked out, I cleaned, I cultivated my space into a space that I’m excited to come home to, I worked on some of my hobbies, I watched Harry Potter for the millionth time, and I felt good. Get EXCITED about your time with yourself, even if you have to fake it!! Life is so much better when you view yourself as one of your best friends. 

So that’s what I did! These are the habits that I am choosing and committing to in order to be the person I want to be, the person that I can be proud of. These are the habits that will reignite my spark, whatever the heck that means.

Questions for you!!

Feel free to respond on my contact page, or shoot me a DM!

What are you obsessed with right now?

What makes you feel sparkly?

Do you want me to start posting pictures from my week to accompany each post?

LMK!! I want to hear from you :)

Love you, and until next Friday <3