IDK What I’m Doing… Anyone Else?
Here we go again! Welcome back besties :)
Currently Reading:The Stone Sky (Broken Earth Series #3) By NK Jemisin; On Writing By Stephen King
Just Finished: The Obelisk Gate (Broken Earth Series #2) By NK Jemisin
10/10!!!! This series is SO good, and a very different take on the fantasy genre than what I am used to. RUN to your nearest bookstore and start this trilogy ASAP!!
Currently Watching:Grey’s Anatomy
Current Obsessions: Museum strolls, Patio seating, Summer time (even though its cold in LA?), the way MJ says “Gurrrl” in Human Nature
I guess I’ll start by addressing the elephant in the room – for what was supposed to be a weekly blog, I appear to have dropped the ball. Consistency has never really been my strong suit, but I’m working on it!!
This does relate to a lot of what I have been feeling lately, however, so we’ll just call it a lesson to learn. Doesn’t that feel so much better than chalking it up to a failure??
All my life, I have wanted to be great at something, and preferably passionate about that same thing. Please don’t mistake this for self deprecation – there are plenty of things in this life that I am perfectly fine at, and a few things that I’m pretty good at. I think I’m a fair actor, an alright writer, and I was always that student that could manage A’s and B’s without really studying all that much. I even really enjoyed all of those things, and still do, but there was always a part of me that wished that I was a true prodigy at something. OR that I was passionate enough about something to work tirelessly, day and night, until I WAS great because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that THAT was my destiny. I mean those are the people that get books and movies written about them! I want THAT!
Now, maybe I am just a little lazy, I can own that. This blog is a perfect example. When I created it, I was so excited to have this thing that was all mine. I was giddy at the idea of working on it on my days off, of molding it and shaping it into something really special and seeing what it would grow into. I am still excited about all of those things!! But even with all of the excitement and joy that this little project genuinely gives me, I still struggle to get myself to sit down and do the work consistently. It’s my day off! Why would I want to do anything even remotely considered “work”? Maybe I’m wrong and just trying to make myself feel better, but I think the lesson I’m learning here is that everyone struggles with this. I don’t care how passionate you are about something, it is HARD to choose to work at that thing when all you want to do is sleep, or rot, or go to the bar, or go on vacation, or spend time with your family, or do literally anything else that carries zero weight or responsibility. That is why people call it “greatness” – not because it is some sort of miracle or stroke of luck, but because it is really freaking hard. So, I’m trying to give myself a little more grace for what I used to call laziness.
The other hard truth I’m facing is that it isn’t even necessarily greatness that I crave, but assuredness. I am so jealous of these apparent prodigies not because they are talented or successful, but because they have one path that they are confident in and are willing to do anything to go down it. Meanwhile, I am flailing about like a giant fish, grasping at any possible opportunity that might give me joy or purpose. I have always been clumsy, but I’m not exaggerating when I say I feel like I am stumbling through my twenties. Maybe that’s how everyone feels, but my brain is very good at convincing me that this is NOT normal. Then I remember that that is why I started this project. Our brains, the devil, society, whatever you want to blame – they are all so good at convincing us that we are alone. That we are failing. That no one else is struggling. That life comes easier to everyone else. So, consistent or not, I will continue to be vulnerable on this page, so that maybe I can convince at least one person that they are wrong.
My name is Peyton, and I feel like I’m failing (AND flailing). I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing. I don’t know what my future looks like, or how long it will take me to figure it out, and that terrifies me. But I am clinging for dear life to what I am sure of. I am sure that I am meant for something bigger. I am sure that I have amazing people in my corner. I am sure that there is greatness in my future, even if I don’t know what it looks like yet.
Alright, now it’s your turn :)
I love you, and until next post! (whenever that may be)
xoxo
